Put out the fire inside me..

Argh, it's been so long since I posted on here. I started a new blog, just ramblings of things I like. I don't really know what happened. I lost over half a stone and then tried to maintain it but had a jampacked summer of festivals and travelling. I haven't weighed in ages. I'm too scared to. I don't want to be back up to my old weight. Theres a part of me that knows that this is probably not the case as all my old clothes are too big and I'm in to a size smaller.
Anyway, I thought I'd benefit on starting writing again. Something has triggered and I've got a bit scared but also excited(?!) I am happy to go a whole day just on coffee which I did for a few days last week then had a meal at night. But on Friday I had pizza with lots of cheese, I was just sitting there watching TV with my boy feeling horribly stuffed, then I went into a lethargic state of mind, I went upstairs, went to the bathroom and purged it all away.
Then Saturday I did the same, didn't eat much in the day just coffee, then had dinner, then felt so yuk from all the food, so went upstairs and purged.
I had problems last night cus I thought my boy could hear me, so I left it in and worried about it all night.
But then tonight I got home, made dinner, while it was cooking I ate a penguin choc bar and a piece of toast. Part of me was saying... don't there is no need, your making a nice dinner. But then the other part of me was saying you might aswell as it's all coming up later anyway. So I did. Then I ate dinner. Then I purged.
My goal is to be skinny for xmas. Not just "slimmer" - thin!
I don't know why this goes and returns. But it's back again and I can't stop it.
I'm going to start writing again and really appriciate your support!
Think thin ladies. xoxo

Now I'm not a saint, but I'm not a sinner. Now everything's cool as long as I'm getting thinner

Hello beautiful ladies.
I have managed to find a minute to update the blog...In work...surprise surprise.
I hate not having enough time/privacy to blog more. Would be good and inspiring to build up a relationship with some of you.
Anyway...Good news, I'm down 3 pounds since my last weigh in. I'm now 135lbs, which means I will probably meet my goal of 133lbs for the end of this month. (Fingers crossed, even more) I've been okay. My diet plan has formed itself of grapefruit for breakfast, coffee for lunch, and a meal for dinner no more than 500cals. I've given in a few times and had some pieces of chocolate in-between that, but it's proving to work. Not as quick as I want it to but that's probably the reason why. If I cut out the snaking and reduce the portion of my main meal hopefully it'll drop off a lot quicker. :)
My best friend, who I spoke about previously, has been really supportive and she is loosing the weight quickly too..it's good thinspiration and also good to be able to talk to someone about everything and share tips and stuff. I was off work on Monday, sick (too tired to get up and make it into work) and when I came back in, one of the girls in my team had a go at me and said I need to eat more!!! I haven't even spoken to anyone about anything..(my friend lives in a different place) I was shocked...she then ask me what I had eaten at the end of the day. I lied and said a sandwich for lunch (yuk)how annoying! I hope people aren’t watching me at work. Will cause problems if they are. She’s probably going to ask me again so I have already thought about what I'm going to say... (bagel with peanut butter for breakfast and sushi for lunch) Really I've just had 2 coffees. It's my body, my choice on what I want to eat. What is it to do with anyone else what I want to do? They are just fat and jealous that while they sit at there desks scoffing crisps, doughnuts and chocolate, I'm fine just having coffee.
Rant over.
Will TRY to update more. Stay strong....think thin...
J<3x

I have enough determination to make eachday better.

So i've been busy..And it's sooo hard to find privacy to update this. I would love to be able to write on her everyday and keep my own personal diary but it's so hard when I live with my boyfriend. I've managed to find 10 minutes during work for a quick update.
The past week I've actually managed to be quite good. I've been sticking to not eating much in the day and then a meal at night and staying to under 650cals. On Friday I was bad and had cocktails and pizza but only 3 slices so noway did I go over 1500cals that day.
I'm getting into the swing of it (and touch wood)I haven't binged yet.

I haven't eaten so far today and only plan to have some grapefruit for lunch and then a under 400cal meal tonight. I'm down 4pounds since last Tuesday and I'm actually feeling quite positvie about things. I hope I'll stick to it. I made a goal of being at 133 pounds by Friday. That hasn't happened which is very annoying but I'm at 138 and I'm going to set myself to be 133 by the 26th Feb which is a bit more realistic. We'll see.

I've not been eating more than 1000cals a day for the past month, some days considerably less and it's just sticking to me. I've been going to the gym but it just doesn't work. slowly but surely prehaps? I will update as much as I can my progress.

I'm sorry for being lame at updating. Think thin ladies. xxx

Rubbish....Crap H>A>T>E Myself

I'm sorry if anyone actually is reading my blog, that I haven't posted in a while. I've been busy recently and anytime I do have to sit down, I have no privacy at all. I'm writing this in work as it's a bit quiet at the moment.
I've been so bad this last week. I don't know what is wrong with me. I've binged, purged. And then binged, binged, binged. I've gone up to 141pounds. So rubbish. I can't help it. I do really well all day and get a bit of a craving and go crazy. The general thought is that "I've gone over my limit, so why not just carry on" -HOw could I think that?! How DO I think that.
I'm writing this now because I'm craving chocolate and I'm being tempted to go and get one from the machine. I don't want to. I'm going to get a glass of water and have a cigarette. I hope that'll work.
I'm going out on Friday and don't want to look like a fat slob. 3 days. Goal 138pounds. And then I have a whole month of stuff going on and I need to be atleast to 130 by the end of February. I've been to the gym twice this week and I'm going to go tomorrow morning before work. I've been power walking 45mins either way to work aswel..it just wont shift. AARRGHHH must stop binging!!!

Also My best friend is advising me how the pounds are dropping off her and she has a 1500cal limit a day. WTF?! If that can't be thinspiration what else will work?!

Food Diary starting today to show myself how awful I really am-

Today so far...
2 pieces of wholemeal toast, marmite (450)
1 Honey and granola cupcake ( :( ) (150)
1 glass of orange squash (14)

So overall about 615 Cals so far.
I'm making a meal tonight which has only 133cals per serving. http://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/3985/vegetable-chilli-bowl
It's really filling and tastes good. :)

So overall thats around 750 cals.

I will report back tomorrow if I amazingly managed to stick to this.
And then tommorrow I'm going to try and make it 650 cals and then friday I have friends coming over and were going out so I wont have anything but coffee in the day and then the dreaded pizza we are having for tea. Hopefully stay under 800cals. (promises to me):
I HAVE to stick to this. And I am going to write on here everyday.

Stay strong (unlike me) and think thin! xxxxx

Plans, plans, plans

So My plans are as follows....
I will not eat no more than 600 cals a day.
I will reduce this after a month by 100 cals.
I will not binge.
I will not make friends with Mia.
I will obey Ana.
I will use thinspiration.
I will excercise everyday.

My thinspiration is other bloggers, Mary-kate Olsen, Nicole Richie..

I woke up this morning with a song in my head....It's very app. to how I feel right now and I think the lyrics may help you too. Must be why I woke up with it in my head...

When I'm lost in the rain
In your eyes I know I'll find the light
To light my way, when I'm scared losing ground
When my world is going crazy you can turn it all around
And when I'm down you're there pushing me to the top
You're always there giving me all you've got

For a shield, from the storm for a friend, for a love
To keep me safe and warm, I turn to you
For the strength to be strong, for the will to carry on
For everything you do, for everything that's true, I turn to you

When I lose the will to win
I just reach for you and I can reach the sky again
I can do anything 'cause your love is so amazing
'Cause your love inspires me
And when I need a friend you're always on my side
Giving me faith taking me through the night

For a shield, from the storm, for a friend, for a love
To keep me safe and warm, I turn to you
For the strength to be strong and for the will to carry on
For everything you do I turn to you yeah

For the arms to be my shelter through all the rain
For truth that will never change for someone to lean on
But for a heart I can rely on through anything
For the one who I can run to oh I turn to you

For a shield from the storm, for a friend, for a love
To keep me safe and warm, I turn to you
For the strength to be strong, for the will to carry on
For everything you do, for everything that's true
For everything you do, for everything that's true, I turn to you

Think thin, I will post in more depth when I'm alone xxx